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You
might be a biker if...
Your best friends are named after animals.
Your best shoes have steel toes.
Every left shoe you own has a black spot on it from the shift lever.
You owned three different bikes before you ever owned a car.
You think Easy Rider has held up pretty well after all these years.
When you refer to Captain America, you mean the bike and not the comic book hero.
You know that Marlon Brando rode a Triumph in The Wild One and not a Harley-Davidson.
You also know that it was Lee Marvin who rode the Harley in The Wild One.
You have motorcycle parts in the dishwasher.
Your idea of jewelry is chains and barbed wire.
You can tell what kind of bugs they are by the taste.
You're only sunburned on the back of your hands and neck.
You carry around a crushed beer can in case you have to park your bike on hot asphalt.
You pull your bike into the motel room and use a bath towel to wipe it off.
Your significant other has to climb over your bike to do the laundry in the basement.
You don't know how to do laundry, but you have four different kinds of cleaners for your bike.
You carry a picture of your bike in your wallet.
You wave at bikers even when you're in your car.
Your other vehicle is a truck equipped with a motorcycle ramp.
Your three piece suit consists of leather chaps, a leather vest, and a leather jacket.
Your other suit is a rain suit.
You wake up next to your significant other and your first thought is if your bike will start.
You know where Sturgis is.
You take your kids for a ride on your bike before they can walk.
You can't remember your kids' names or birthdays, but you can remember that Harley-Davidson made the Knucklehead, Panhead, Shovelhead, Evolution, and Twin Cam 88.
You are currently wearing two or more articles of clothing that have a Harley-Davidson label in them.
Folks at the Harley store know you by name.
You have your own coffee cup at the Harley store.
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Top 10 signs that a computer is owned by a Harley
rider:
10. -- The monitor & CPU have been repainted orange and black.
09. -- System sound effects now play a Harley kicking over when a program starts.
08. -- There's an oil stain on the floor just below the computer.
07. -- Number key pad only goes up to two.
06. -- Password is "WillieG".
05. -- The mouse is referred to as "the Rat".
04. -- There is a Skoal can mounted in the CD-ROM drive.
03. -- Expansion slots have Genuine Harley-Davidson bike parts installed in them.
02. -- The keyboard is mounted at the level of the user's chin and his seat tilts backward -- ape-hanger keyboard!
And the Number 1 sign that a computer is owned by a Harley rider:
01. -- A half-naked, big-breasted "warrior princess" and her tiger have been airbrushed onto the sides of the monitor!
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The Mechanic
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic: "Try doing it with the engine running!"
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Arthur Davidson
Arthur Davidson of the Harley-Davidson Motorcycle Corp, dies and goes to Heaven. At the gates, an angel tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."
Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God himself."
The befeathered fellow at the gate takes Arthur to the throne room and introduces him to God...
Arthur asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of the woman?"
God says, "Yes."
"Well," says Davidson, "I ain't the great inventor like you are, Father, but I did note a few flaws in your design:
There's too much front protrusion on some models; on others, not enough
It chatters at all speeds
The rear end wobbles too much, and...
The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmmmm..." replies God. "Hold on."
God goes to his celestial supercomputer, types in a few lines and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Arthur. "But according to my computer, more people are riding my invention than yours."
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Biker Al
Gore
Al Gore decides to try riding a motorcycle, even though he has had no lessons or prior experience.
He mounts the motorcycle uninstructed, turns it on and it immediately roars into motion.
As it moves along faster and faster, Al begins to fall from the seat. In terror, he grips tightly on the handlebars, but can't get a firm grip. He tries to throw his arms around the motorcycle's gas tank, but he slides down the side of the motorcycle anyway.
Finally giving up his frail grip, he tries to leap off the motorcycle and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot has become entangled in the exhaust pipes. He is now at the mercy of the motorcycle's roaring wheels as his head is struck against the ground, over and over.
He is moments away from unconsciousness when, to his great fortune, Wendell, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees him and unplugs the motorcycle.
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Happily Married Biker
Biker Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bob looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Bob asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Biker Bob asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"
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Unzipped
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says.
She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"
And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a motorcycle in there!"
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The gynecologist
A successful gynecologist decides to fulfill his life's dream: give up medical practice and become a motorcycle mechanic.
So he gets out of the medical business and enrolls at a mechanic's seminar with Harley Davidson.
After many weeks of training comes the final examination, taking apart and then re-assembling a randomly chosen Harley engine.
He grabs his tools and sets to work, but soon he gets worried: while he is still working on the valve-covers, everybody else is already busy with removing the cylinder heads.
He falls more and more behind, and as he is just starting to put it all back together, everybody else is already finished.
He manages to put the engine back together, barely in time before the exam ends.
Because it took him so much longer than everybody else, he goes straight to the teacher to ask how he performed.
"Well," the teacher says, "out of one hundred possible points you scored 150." "But how is that possible?" the ex-gynecologist asks.
"Well, it breaks down to this: You get fifty points for correctly taking the engine apart. And you get another fifty points for putting it back together perfectly." "And what did I get those additional fifty points for?"
"For doing it all through the exhaust."
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The Excuse
Biker rolling through town on his custom, fastest bike in town. He's going around a bend when he rolls up on a cop. The blue lights come on and out rolls the cop. The biker thinks, "He'll never catch me in that car" and takes off. Several miles later the cop is still behind him as he pulls over.
The cop walks up to the biker and asks for his license. Then the cop says, "OK. I've had a crappy day, and I'm ready to head home. Come up with a good excuse for speeding away from me and I'll let you go."
The biker looks at the cop and replies, "The old lady left me last week for a cop. I was afraid it was you and you were trying to bring her back."
Cop hands him his license and tells him to have a nice ride home.
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Drunk Biker
A drunk biker is riding through the city and his bike is weaving violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over. The cop says to the biker, "Where have you been?" "I've been to the pub," slurs the biker. "Well," says the cop, "It looks like you've had quite a few." "I did all right," the biker says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell off the bike?" "Oh, thank heavens" sighs the biker. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
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Stakeout
A cop is staking out the Killarney Hotel for bikers riding drunk. At closing time, he sees a biker stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. When he finally gets on the bike, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and rides off. When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0. The cop says, "How is this possible?" The guy laughs and says, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
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Educated
A Southern biker was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?"
The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question. "Yale," she replied.
The biker took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"
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Mother of Six
A biker's greatest achievement was his brood of six kids. He was so proud that he continually called his wife: Mother of Six, which pissed her off a lot. But he kept referring to her as Mother of Six no matter where they went.
At the end of a poker run, he shouted across the bar, "Hey, Mother of Six, you ready to go home?"
His irritated wife screamed back: "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
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Old Timer
An old timer was riding down a desolate highway when his Harley broke down. Soon a fellow on a BMW pulled up next to him. "Is there anything I can help with?" the Beemer man asks. "Yeah, could I borrow a wrench?" the Harley rider asks. "Of course. What type and size do you need?" Beemer man asks, opening a sizeable tool kit.
"Don't matter a bit to me. I'm gonna use it fer a hammer anyway."
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The Hotel Bill
A biker and his wife are traveling on their Harleys from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and decided to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.
The biker explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the biker insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the biker and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the biker complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the biker again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the biker replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the biker gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the biker. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well," the biker replied, "she was here, and you could have!"
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Biker Heaven
Recently killed by separate left-turning cages, Trog, Grody, and Animal were waiting for entrance into Heaven. St. Peter walked up to Trog and asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife, and remember, I will know the truth." Trog thought for a moment and replied, "Well, sir, it must be around 40 times." "Fine," said St. Peter, "you may enter Heaven but you will be riding that little green Suzuki over there."
St. Peter approached Grody and asked the same question. Grody answered, "Sir, I do believe it couldn't have been more than 20 times. "Good," said St. Peter, "you may enter Heaven, also, and you will be riding the red 600 Kawasaki.
St. Peter stepped up to Animal and repeated the question. Without pause, Animal answered, "Never!" St. Peter peered at him quizzically and said, "Never?" "I have never been unfaithful to my wife, sir" he replied. "Excellent," stated St. Peter. "You may enter Heaven and you will be riding that gold-chromed custom Road King over there."
Grinning from ear to ear, Animal approaches the bike, but when he reaches the exquisite showpiece, he suddenly lays his head on the tank and begins to cry. St. Peter rushes over and asks, "What's the matter?
You have never cheated on you wife, you've gained entrance into Heaven, and you will be riding the bike of your dreams, with no breakdowns, for the rest of eternity." Animal replied between sobs, "See that woman over there on the old beat-up
Vespa? That's my wife!"
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The Zipper
Two bikers are riding side by side down a county road. One of them has the zipper on his jacket break, and the flapping in the wind is driving him crazy. So he pulls over and decides to don the jacket backwards, at least til they get home. It works well enough, if a bit uncomfortable.
A little while later both guys wipe out in a turn when they don't see a patch of loose gravel. They are lying inert in a field, their bikes nearby, when a farmer happens upon them. He immediately calls 911.
"You gotta send an ambulance!" he yells into the phone. "These two boys are twisted up pretty bad."
"Are they still breathing?" asks the operator.
"Well the one was, until I turned his head back around the right way...."
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Circle Flies
A biker, who worked on a horse farm, got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding. Since it was a rural road with no traffic, the biker tried hard to get the trooper to let him off with a warning. Instead, the trooper started to lecture the biker about his speed, and in general began to give the biker a big hassle.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The biker said, "Having some problems with Circle Flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of Circle Flies." So the biker says--"Well, Circle Flies are common on farms. See, they're called Circle Flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a minute he stops and says, "Hey - Are you trying to call me a horse's
azz?" The biker says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's
azz." The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
As the trooper hands him the ticket, the biker says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
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Biker Lady
This biker lady has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, new roads to ride, she figured she might as well look even nicer.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While riding her motorcycle home, she was run into by a delivery truck and killed. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40+ years? How come you didn't pull me out of the path of that
truck?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
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Top Ten Reasons Why Gold Wing Riders Don't Wave Back
10. Wasn't sure whether other rider was waving or making an obscene gesture ...
9. Afraid might get frostbite if hand is removed from heated grip ...
8. Has arthritis and the past 700 miles have made it difficult to raise arm ...
7. Reflection from etched windshield momentarily blinded him...
6. The expresso machine just finished ...
5. Was actually asleep when other rider waved ...
4. Was in a three-way conference call with stock broker and accessories dealer ...
3. Couldn't find the "auto wave back" button on dashboard ...
2. Was simultaneously adjusting the air suspension, seat height, programmable CD player, seat temperature and satellite navigation system ...
And the Number One reason Gold Wing riders don't wave back:
1. They couldn't see through the glare from the chromed-dash accents
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Top Ten Reasons Why Harley Riders Don't Wave Back
10. Afraid it will invalidate warranty ...
9. Leather and studs make it too hard to raise arm ...
8. Refuses to wave to anyone whose bike is already paid for ...
7. Afraid to let go of handlebars because they might vibrate off...
6. Rushing wind would blow scabs off the new tattoos ...
5. Angry because just took out second mortgage to pay luxury tax on new Harley ...
4. Just discovered the fine print in owner's manual and realized H-D is partially owned by those rice-burner manufacturers ...
3. Can't tell if other riders are waving or just reaching to cover their ears like everyone else ...
2. Remembers the last time a Harley rider waved back, he impaled his hand on spiked helmet ...
And the Number One reason Harley riders don't wave back:
1.They're jealous that after spending $25,000, it's still not as reliable as a Gold Wing
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The Horse and Chicken
The horse and chicken loved to play together. One day the two were
playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for
his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for
help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he
searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone
to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the
farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped
off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's
life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the
chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the
loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to
the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward
and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and
proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the
farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two
animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the
chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked
over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the
chicken to grab his 'hangy-downy' thing and he would then lift him out
of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up
and out, saving his life. The moral of the story? (Yes, there is a moral!)
"When You're Hung Like A Horse,
You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!"
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